Meredith LaVine
In December 2024, Mel Robbins – a New York Times bestselling author, podcast host, and former lawyer – released a book titled The Let Them Theory. Since then, it has become a #1 New York Times Bestseller, a #1 Sunday Times Bestseller, a #1 Amazon Bestseller, a #1 Audible Bestseller, and a social media phenomenon. While she first created this theory as a tool to navigate complicated relationships,[1] she has since developed it into a full-on strategy to combat anxiety, stress, and comparison. While not explicitly designed for lawyers, the “Let Them” theory can serve as a powerful tool for navigating the pressures of the legal profession and encouraging lawyer well-being.
At its core, this theory encourages us to stop controlling the uncontrollable–to let go of how others act, what they think, and how they react, and instead focus on what is in our control. Put differently, the theory is a practical response to anxiety that allows others to exist in their world, and you continue in yours. For example, when you feel yourself trying to control a person, outcome, or situation and become insecure, stop and “let them” do whatever they are doing.[2]
This theory applies to all aspects of life. Did someone exclude you from a night out? Let them. Does a friend want to enter into an unhealthy relationship? Let them. Do your parents refuse to accept that they made mistakes while raising you? Let them. Does someone want to assign malicious intent to something you did and won’t hear you out? Let them. You get the idea. These two simple words dismiss the bubbling negative, anxious loop in your head and return you to the present moment, allowing you to stay in your lane.
The “Let Them” theory offers a practical approach to addressing the anxiety, depression, and stress that permeate the legal profession. A 2016 survey that evaluated 11,516 licensed and employed attorneys’ mental health revealed that “the most common mental health conditions reported were anxiety (61.1%), followed by depression (45.7%).”[3] At the heart of these mental disorders is most often comparison.[4] Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”[5] Nowhere is this more evident than in a field where competition is ingrained in us, and success is defined by how one’s achievements measure up against others.
While “[i]t only natural for law students to compare themselves to others . . . when law schools grade on a curve and [are] compet[ing] with each other for the same jobs,”[6] lawyers are again expected to turn off this zero-sum game mentality immediately following graduation.[7] But the reality is no one does, and old feelings of comparison trigger the same anxious and depressive patterns. Lawyers who see colleagues and friends receive promotions, make partnerships, and get bonuses for more billable hours while barely keeping their heads above water have no choice but to feel inadequate. Even when not focused on others, lawyers spend so much time ruminating on the past––spiraling them into a depression––or worrying about the future––engendering states of perpetual stress and anxiety––that they forget to live in the present moment.[8] Because this behavior is “necessary” to stay on top in law school, it is no wonder today’s lawyers struggle so much. Luckily, a solution exists – mindfulness.
Mindfulness can be defined as “awareness, cultivated by paying attention in a sustained and particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.”[9] The National Task Force on Lawyer Well-Being endorsed the benefits of mindfulness meditation in the legal profession because “…it is a practice that can enhance cognitive reframing (and thus resilience) by aiding our ability to monitor our thoughts and avoid becoming emotionally overwhelmed” and, therefore, “reduc[ing] rumination, stress, depression, and anxiety.”[10] In essence, being mindful of the present moment forces us to stop, recognize our thoughts, acknowledge what is comparison, what is rumination, and what is anxiety, and return to our reality.
To me, if mindfulness is the answer, the “Let Them” theory is one vehicle to exercise it when anxiety and overwhelm begin to consume us. For example, when a law student overhears her classmate brag about how late he had been studying the night before, she can choose to be overcome by anxiety that she is not doing enough. Or she can stop, recognize that the feeling is just anxiety, acknowledge how she also studied for hours but knew sleep was also necessary, and say, let them. Similarly, when an associate arrives at work at 8:30 AM after working for an hour, going on a seven-mile run, and dropping his child at school, and his colleague brags about how she had been at the office since 6 AM, he can feel guilty for taking care of himself and his family. Or he can stop, recognize the comparison, acknowledge that he had already worked that day and had given himself to better perform at the office, and think, let them.
In my almost three years as a law student, lawyer well-being has been a hot topic across my curriculum. Many professors teach about the importance of well-being and explain how establishing healthy habits now can help create a more sustainable career in the long run. They are right, of course – habits we create now do affect our future careers. But not in the way they think.
Imposter syndrome is present in the legal profession because law students are always in competition to be the best. Burnout affects lawyers at a higher rate than other professions because of how law school necessitates the grind mentality. Depression, anxiety, and stress infect attorneys at all levels because law students are constantly worried about the past or planning for the future. In short, we “get stuck as human doings, rather than living fully as human beings”[11] because the equation ingrained into our heads is the more we do, the more we can control, and the more we beat the person next to us, the better off we are.
However, tools such as the “Let Them” Theory can end this vicious cycle. By embracing this strategy as law students, lawyers can break free of the generational pressures of comparison, control, and competition that too often lead to burnout. Instead of teaching students to compete with one another, providing practical tools like the “Let Them” Theory can help redirect their focus to what is truly important – personal well-being, growth, and fulfillment. Thus, by incorporating the “Let Them” Theory into their lives, lawyers can manage stress, reduce anxiety, and redirect their focus to what they can control, thereby creating a healthier and more sustainable career and improving their overall well-being.
[1] See The Mel Robbins Podcast, 3 Ways to Use the “Let Them” Theory, YouTube (Jul. 8, 2023), https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atkGprznf2w.
[2] Bonnie Jean Feldkamp, Setting Boundaries and Loving My People With the ‘Let Them’ Theory, The Advertiser-Tribune (Jun. 6, 2024, 11:01 AM), https://advertiser-tribune.com/news/523929/setting-boundaries-and-loving-my-people-with-the-let-them-theory/#:~:text=Podcaster%20Mel%20Robbins%20has%20ignited,it%20is%20they%20are%20doing.
[3] Patrick R. Krill et al., The Prevalence of Substance Use and Other Mental Health Concerns Among American Attorneys, 10 J. Addict. Med. 46, 50 (2016).
[4] Raven Ballard, Stifling comparison, the thief of joy, The Missouri Bar (Feb. 12, 2024), https://news.mobar.org/stifling-comparison-the-thief-of-joy/.
[5] Id.
[6] David A. Grenardo, How a Person of Faith Can Address Imposter Syndrome in Law School, 37 Notre Dame J.L., Ethics, & Pub. Pol’y 718, 721 (2023).
[7] Martin E.P. Seligman et al., Why Lawyers are Unhappy, 23 Cardozo L.Rev. 33, 47 (2001) (citing Julie Flaherty, 14-Hour Days? Some Lawyers Say “No”, N.Y. Times, Oct. 6, 1999, at G1).
[8] Charity Scott, Mindfulness in Law: A Path to Well-Being and Balance for Lawyers and Law Students, 60 Ariz. L. Rev. 635, 648 (2018).
[9] Id. at 646 (citing Jon Kabat-Zinn, Mindfulness For Beginners: Reclaiming the Present Moment––And Your Life 1 (2012)).
[10] National Task Force on Lawyer Well-Being: Practical Recommendations for Positive Change 52 (2017), https://www.sog.unc.edu/sites/default/files/course_materials/20170817-The-Path-To-Lawyer-Well-Being-Report-American-Bar-Association.pdf).
[11] Id.